------------------

pitiless censors

2011-07-19T13:45:00.004-05:00

Poor man's Ariel Pink no more.

The Art of Fiction, No. 39

2010-12-08T20:36:00.004-06:00

INTERVIEWER

Some readers have found that your stories are cold, impersonal, rather like some of the newer French writers. Is that your intention?

BORGES

No.

ghostriders

2010-10-18T22:29:00.014-05:00

As my old Soc 210 class kindly informed me, the dyad is an estimable force. Morrissey / Marr, Byrne / Eno, Bronsert / Szary, Parsons / Hillman, Rodgers / Hammerstein, Jesus / Mary Chain, PM / Dawn (shhhh!), Vince Clarke / Alison Moyet, Vince Clarke / Andy Bell, Vince Clarke / Martin Gore, Vince Clarke / everyone in universe. Some people just bring out the best in one another. And so it is with Vega and Rev.

surgeryseason

2010-10-18T21:42:00.008-05:00

It begins...To quote the great John Swartzwelder: Last night I wrote the word 'yikes' in my diary.

belated obligatory pavement post

2010-10-10T22:41:00.002-05:00

A pleasant Saturnday morning to you.

2010-10-02T10:28:00.002-05:00

god, danny trejo.

2010-09-27T12:56:00.003-05:00

AV Club: Who do you think won the competition to see who could be the baddest ass on Con Air?

DT: I’m going to tell you something: Nicolas Cage? He’s in shape. That guy, when we did Con Air, he was in great, great shape.

tf

2010-09-24T12:06:00.002-05:00

reason to love tcol49 #49

2010-08-05T22:47:00.000-05:00

Hilarius only made a face at her, one he'd made before. He was full of these delightful lapses from orthodoxy. His theory being that a face is symmetrical like a Rorshach blot, tells a story like a TAT picture, excites a response like a suggested word, so why not. He claimed to have once cured a case of hysterical blindness with his number 37, the "Fu-Manchu" (many of the faces having like German symphonies both a number and a nickname), which involved slanting the eyes up with the index fingers, enlarging the nostrils with the middle fingers, pulling the mouth wide with the pinkies and protruding the tongue. On Hilarius it was truly alarming.

"There is a face," Hilarius said, "that I can make. One you haven't seen; no one in this country has. I have only made it once in my life, and perhaps today in central Europe there still lives, in whatever vegetable ruin, the young man who saw it. He would be, now, about your age. Hopelessly insane. His name was Zvi. Will you well the 'police,' or whatever they are calling themselves tonight, that I can make that face again? That it has an effective radius of a hundred yards and drives anyone unlucky enough to see it down forever into the darkened oubliette, among the terrible shapes, and secures the hatch irrevocably above them? Thank you."

...

2010-06-29T12:08:00.002-05:00

"No one has escaped!" The guard pointed to a drawing on the wall of twelve detectives, waving. "The prisoners are right there!"

Well I don't know where the phrase "As smart as a guard" came from, but it wasn't coined to describe these particular guards. It took me twenty minutes to convince them that the real prisoners had escaped, which I finally did by erasing one of the detectives. You should have seen the guards' jaws drop when I did that. That's the first time I ever saw actual exclamation points and question marks appear above somebody's head. (In case you're interested, I felt one of the marks and they're made of hair.)

...

2010-04-27T23:04:00.000-05:00

mm

2010-03-27T09:16:00.001-05:00

kith

2010-03-14T13:35:00.003-05:00

emerald sapphire gold

2010-02-18T17:35:00.003-06:00

Huh.:

On May 9, 2007, ESG drummer Valerie Scroggins was indicted by a Brooklyn grand jury on charges of taking more than $13,000 in workers' compensation payments. Scroggins, then working as a bus driver for the MTA, told them that she suffered a shoulder injury in September 2006. In November 2006, Scroggins went on tour with ESG, where an MTA investigator filmed her playing "drums for an hour or more and on every song the band played, doing things very similar to actions she told her employers she could not perform," according to the Brooklyn DA's press release. Scroggins asserts that her injury was legitimate and that she could not safely drive a bus.

cindy electronium

2010-02-15T23:27:00.014-06:00

Raymond Scott: the perfect accompaniment to waking, reading, and/or underperforming on tests.

Meetin' WA (1986)

2010-02-01T18:58:00.003-06:00

Godard on Allen. If you have 26 minutes.

from the home improvement wikipedia page

2009-12-25T04:32:00.008-06:00

Tim Taylor was spectacularly accident-prone as a handyman, often causing massive disasters on and off the set to the consternation of his co-workers and family...Many of Tim's accidents were caused by his devices being used in an unauthorized manner, designed in application of his mantra, "More power!". This popular mantra would not be uttered after Home Improvement's third season.

young love

2009-10-05T21:18:00.006-05:00

Found this old letter to my dad recently. No editing, I promise.

Dearest Bruce,

This is going to be short and sweet.

Things have been busy around here with CU days. We had a rotten egg fight with another dorm. I got hit a number of times, but really hard once on the back and once on the face.

Saturday morning we had the float parade. Ours was a big head eating a hot dog. It was called Hot Dawg.

The grand prize was a kangaroo that hopped up and down. It was on some kind of a tractor that jumped. I hope all is well with you.

Love,
Cecile

PS -- Why did you sign your last letter, love, Bruce Morrison (with your last name)?

...

2009-10-05T20:05:00.000-05:00

yep.

2009-09-13T20:15:00.009-05:00

“The way we’ve positioned the show, and Jay, is around the notion that life needs more laughter,” said Adam Stotsky, president for marketing at NBC. “Everyone needs levity, and Jay’s signature comedy will provide that,” he added, to “laugh off the problems of the day.”

seagoons

2009-06-23T15:19:00.002-05:00

Sellers-Milligan-Secombe

Ah, summer. Thank you for letting me catch up on The Goon Show. Namely, Series 5, Episode 3: The Dreaded Batter-Pudding Hurler (of Bexhill-on-Sea).

Henry Crun:
It's much too dark to see, strike a light.

Seagoon:
Not allowed in blackout.

Minnie Bannister:
Strike a dark light.

Seagoon:
No madam! Madam, we daren't. Why, only twenty eight miles across the Channel the Germans are watching this coast.

Minnie Bannister:
Pittle Poo. They can't see a match being struck.

Seagoon:
Oh, all right.

FX: [Striking match - Bomb whistle - Explosion]

Seagoon:
Any questions?

---------

2009-05-30T16:58:00.004-05:00

take the train to breaker street.

found on yahoo answers

2009-02-05T15:45:00.003-06:00

kim's

2009-02-03T23:33:00.019-06:00

Man. This recession is horrible. Three close friends have already lost their jobs, the bank that issued my grad school loans has ceased to exist, and now, to top it off, I learn that Village Institution and consummate purveyor-of-wonder Kim's Video is shutting down and shipping off to Italy. I'll never forget when I found this rental cover at their place, and thought, this here's love of film. Life seemed so full of hope, then.

2009-01-30T21:21:00.007-06:00

purns:

Jon Glaser is so, so, so funny.

His new Adult Swim show, Delocated:
After testifying against the Russian Mafia, "Jon" and his family are uprooted and decide to live undercover in a sweet loft in New York City. But rather than live quietly through a witness protection program, "Jon" convinces his family to become ski-masked reality stars and have their adventures chronicled for television audiences.

curb

2009-01-24T18:15:00.005-06:00

I spent a little while perusing this today...recommended reading for all.

In one of my favorite portions, Larry describes the origin of the 'pretty, pretty, pretty good' line:

Larry David: That line 'Pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty good' came from a bit I did on stage once that had to do with how you never tell your parents how you really feel. It was about my mother coming home and finding me with my head in the oven. She says, 'How are things going?' And I say, 'Things are good! Things are good! Pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty good.'

peebles

2009-01-24T18:07:00.004-06:00

From the Wiki entry on Sweet Sweetback:

Van Peebles funded the film himself, shooting it independently over a period of 19 days, performing all of his own stunts and appearing in several unsimulated sex scenes. Van Peebles gained additional funds from applying for Workers' Compensation after contracting gonorrhea during the shooting of these scenes (saying he was "hurt on the job"). Van Peebles used the money to purchase more film.

defending your life

2009-01-20T21:58:00.002-06:00

friedman

2009-01-19T13:28:00.004-06:00

Matt Taibbi is a genius. That's all.

http://www.nypress.com/article-11419-flathead.html

http://www.nypress.com/article-19271-flat-n-all-that.html

case

2009-01-16T23:30:00.014-06:00

Neko Case is great. She has one of the best voices in American music today, she's incredibly disarming and sharp, and she was the guest monologist at an Asssssscat I saw a few months ago, where she told some gut-wrenching and hilarious stories about her one night stands and assorted neuroses. A fine woman indeed! Please enjoy this interview with her, done by a kind gentleman for whom I once apprenticed at WNUR, Ryan Dombal.

Pitchfork: Still, there are lots of traditional elements to the songwriting...[Your record] isn't like a Brian Eno record.
Case: That's totally true. I'm a huge Brian Eno fan and Taking Tiger Mountain is one of my favorite albums of all time. But when I think about songwriting my mind goes first to things like Roy Orbison...Not that more experimental artists aren't just as valid. I'm sure lurking under the surface in my mind are people like Brian Eno and Roxy Music wearing giant sideburns and leopard skin pants going, "You can put a saxophone on it!"
....
Case: ...And if Celine Dion is supposedly the great singer that she says she is why is there auto tune on every fucking word in her songs? Can't you just hit it, Celine? Do you have another baby book to shoot? You gotta paint your baby to look like a pot of peas? What are you doing that you can't be singing in the studio? It's your fucking job!
Pitchfork: Hey, that baby book is beautiful.
Case: You know that's the grossest thing I've ever seen. That was so nasty I almost had to hate some babies for that. But babies came back and said, "I'm not responsible for this, they made me do it." So I decided that I still love babies.

Overheard in my elevator

2009-01-05T01:00:00.007-06:00

-Cold out.
-Dont say that! I picked up a dog off the street, a bulldog, and I decided to be a good person and get him neutered. I waited outside the mobile neutering truck for 3 hours, 6 to 9 am this morning! That's when it was cold out.

christmas

2009-01-03T04:39:00.005-06:00

spriggss

2008-11-28T21:05:00.004-06:00

crumb

2008-11-28T16:05:00.015-06:00

I had the privilege of seeing the movie Crumb for the first time this week, and I can't praise it enough. The only sort-of problem is, now I can't stop seeing signs of R. Crumb everywhere. Today, I saw this man on the street, and I couldn't help but think he was a dead ringer for Crumb's character Mr. Natural. I politely asked him if I might photograph his beard, and first he said, "Grow your own!" and kept walking. Then half a block later, apparently guilt-ridden, he gave in.

tellier

2008-10-11T23:43:00.021-05:00

saw 2

2008-09-30T23:57:00.009-05:00

I enjoy listening to this song.

Aphex Twin – Ageispolis [Selected Ambient Works 85-92, 1994]

An incredibly good story

2008-09-28T21:45:00.004-05:00

By the UCB's own Chris Gethard.

Sinai Arts

2008-09-20T21:49:00.009-05:00

Went to my first med school show last night. I was nervous about performing, but I calmed down when I saw there would be jugglers and a guy who played his teeth, thereby giving the show a carefree, vaudevillian atmosphere. Also, later, when the juggler dropped a pin, and some guy in the audience said, without irony, 'cleanup in aisle three,' I realized it was probably all-right if I didn't connect comedically with every single person in attendance. As it happened, I ended up mumbling through large portions of my set, so the encouragements were moot, but I guess I made it through okay, mostly. I don't think anyone lost respect for me.

untitled

2008-08-25T17:13:00.008-05:00

A look at the Three Stooges Wikiquote page...

* "Eeeb-eeeb-eeeb-eeeb!"
* "Waah, w-ohh!"
* "Mmmmmmmmh!"
* "Yuhhh-uh-uh-uh!"
* "Woo-woo-woo-woo!" (Curly, when frightened. He runs around or away when saying this)
* "Seenophran!"
* "Mee-mee-mee-mee!"

The Stooges also would make these noises as if they were snoring in scenes in which they are depicted as asleep.

put some gas in yer tank!

2008-08-21T00:13:00.012-05:00

Siriusmo – Lizi

late night thoughts

2008-07-28T01:56:00.017-05:00

went to yankee game with dad the other day. kept looking for george costanzas office. were a bunch of ibankers in suits sitting behind me and i was happy that those wealthy folks had worse seats. there is nothing sadder than people rooting for the predetermined computer animated train races. later i had trouble lifting my left arm to clap and think it had something to do with my vitamin c overdose the other night. i was going to get a fruit salad but i couldnt muster up the guts to say fruit salad in front of the alpha males so at the last second i said hot dog.

i don't understand why they say anything you say can AND WILL be used against you in a court of law, the 'and will.' really? what if i said juror number six is handsome? man i wish we didn't have to repeat all of this.

atom smashin

2008-06-21T14:14:00.022-05:00

Is it me, or is it terrifying that the fate of the universe is in the hands of five people?

A new particle accelerator, the Large Hadron Collider, scheduled to go into operation this fall, is no threat to the Earth or the universe, according to a new safety review approved Friday.
Some critics have argued that the collider could produce a black hole that would swallow the Earth.
“There is no basis for any concerns about the LHC,” five physicists who comprised the safety assessment group wrote.

on vacation

2008-05-15T16:08:00.008-05:00

threeweeksineurope.tumblr.com

annie, i'm not your daddy

2008-05-14T13:39:00.006-05:00

The first 30 seconds are a little fuzzy, but wait until the onomatopoeia part and tell me this isn't the best thing you ever saw.

d. farrell

2008-04-27T14:14:00.006-05:00

A nice old interview with Bass-D.

As long as me and the other five people that got my last name got something to eat, I could give less of a shit what nobody got to say about my music. And I think it’s that attitude that’s making a few people like what I do. As long as those people are pleased and want to keep riding with me, then hey man, we got a little party going on here! You know what I mean? We got a little party going on here.

His blog is also worth a look.

BOULDER COLORADO. There is a lot of love in this town. The circles I'm running in here are rich with care for basic human needs. Everything is all love. I dwell in it, but can't fully enjoy it because I am not one person.

Right stuff pt. 2

2008-04-23T23:10:00.010-05:00

John Herschel Glenn Jr. (born July 18, 1921, in Cambridge, Ohio) was the third American to fly in space...He received the Congressional Space Medal of Honor in 1978.

John Glenn: Well honey, got the medal of honor today.
Wife Glenn: Space medal of honor.

The right stuff

2008-04-23T22:32:00.011-05:00

I just watched The Right Stuff last night, loved it, and have spent the entire day Wikipediaing all things space. Something interesting (albeit likely false):

Mir space station reeentry and breakup

In anticipation of the reentry of Mir, the owners of Taco Bell towed a large target out into the Pacific Ocean. If the target was hit by a falling piece of Mir, every person in the United States would be entitled to a free Taco Bell taco. The company bought a sizable insurance policy for this gamble. No piece of the station struck the target.

quicken

2008-04-23T21:51:00.005-05:00

Quicken WillMaker. It's America's #1 Estate Planning Software!

In Honor Of Passover

2008-04-19T16:48:00.013-05:00

Some strawberry wine.

Trans-Europe Express

2008-04-15T18:37:00.011-05:00

In honor of my upcoming trip to Europe, I figured I should make a Europe-themed playlist. It's not done, but here's what I've got so far.

Radio Free Europe - R.E.M.
Welcome To Europe - Squarepusher
Europe Endless - Kraftwerk
Australians In Europe - The Fall
Europe During The War - Steve Reich

Finally: Florian Schneider of Kraftwerk looks just like Will Forte, no?

Roger And Me

2008-04-13T18:04:00.064-05:00

A.O. Scott has a nice article out on one of his film-critic heroes, Roger Ebert, and while it's still up, I thought I'd take the chance to express my own admiration for the man otherwise known as the greatest film critic in history.

I was first introduced to the world of Ebert-appreciation by my good friend Ryan, who told me about Ebert's admiration for almost all of his favorite movies (Crouching Tiger and Dark City, among others). Soon enough, I was a complusive Ebert-reader myself, and found myself with all new reasons to admire the same filmmakers and movies I'd always loved; Ebert's a big supporter of Errol Morris (Fog Of War, Gates Of Heaven) and Spike Lee (Do The Right Thing, Clockers), and a huge fan of one of my favorite movies ever, Hoop Dreams, which he ranked the best film of the 90s.

After delving deeper into the man's life, I learned he was no one trick pony. Ebert not only wrote a half-finished movie for the Sex Pistols called 'Who Killed Bambi?', but also teamed up with famed breast man Russ Meyer to create one of the most bizarre films in history - Beyond The Valley Of The Dolls - a satire of (and ode to) societal excess, famous for the line "This Is My Happening, And It Freaks Me Out." In a prime example of Ebert's unpredictable genius, the character who says this is later revealed as a murderous transvestite.

Some of my favorite reviews of Ebert's are the ones about open-ended movies like Taxi Driver and Being There, because you really get a sense of the guy's brilliance when he grapples with the deliberately fuzzy. I was also impressed by his courage in giving Blue Velvet a one-star review at the time every other critic in America was calling it a masterpiece (a rating he gave, he says, because Lynch insisted on following all of the emotionally authentic scenes with a heavy dose of winking at the audience).

Of course, we have had our disagreements. He disliked Raising Arizona for the same reason he disliked Blue Velvet - mixing authenticity with affectation - but I forgive it in Arizona because it's so clearly a farce. There are other rankles, like his four-stars for Juno, but all in all, they are few.

Anyway, as Scott says: in a world of metacritic aggregators and sound bytes (and hack writers who use phrases like 'in a world of'), there are few left who know the theory, who can write to everyone's ear, and who get it right. Ebert is the best because he's the smartest guy in the room, but he doesn't care if you know it or not: he just wants you to get it right. And fucking fuck Owen Gleiberman.

Yakov

2008-04-11T22:26:00.010-05:00

I like that after the mention of Lite beer, one of the actors goes "Yeah!!!"

50 Greatest Sketches

2008-04-11T21:36:00.022-05:00

Here, nerve.com lists the 50 greatest comedy sketches of all time. My first impression is that there's a little too much of The State, and a little too little Saturday Night Live. I mean, Barry and Levon are there, but Matt Foley isn't? No Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer, either. I think it has something to do with the fact that NBC videos aren't YouTube-embeddable.

More Diplooo

2008-04-09T22:47:00.008-05:00

I couldn't resist. Linked here, and below, is a sample of Mix 13.

Hot Chip - Over And Over
Pitbull - Bojangles
Aphex Twin - Windowlicker
Khia - My Neck, My Back
Deee-Lite - Groove Is In The Heart

Hardball

2008-04-09T21:23:00.013-05:00

This Times Magazine piece on Chris Matthews is one of the most intense character assassinations I think I've ever read in my life. I guess I just don't know whether to feel bad for him or not. On one hand, he obviously brought it on himself with his insane name-dropping and egotism. I mean, a guy who spends every day discussing politics should know better than anyone else to watch himself when a journalist is around. On the other hand, the reporter does seem to insert a lot of weaselly commentary ("I placed a tape recorder on the table, which would later yield many...long, loud monologues from guess who.") where simply letting Matthews make an ass of himself would have sufficed. I wonder if he'll bring this up on Hardball tonight.

You Heard It Here First

2008-04-09T01:42:00.023-05:00

Pat Sajak: Global Warming Denialist

Sad but true. A snippet from the 'What's Up With Pat?' portion of his website:

We're taping shows in Chicago this month, where Global Warming has yet to rear its ugly head. We may be leaving a big carbon footprint behind, but, fortunately, it'll be covered with snow and ice.

Anyway, it's always fun to be back in my hometown. My primary goal this time will be to break my previous record for eating Chicago-style hotdogs. I'm no Kobayashi, because I spread my eating out over several days; however, what I lack in speed I gain in quantity.

When I was 12 or so, I distinctly remember reading a Mad Magazine parody of Wheel and feeling bad, like the whole thing had been a little too merciless. I figured, Sajak's just some guy that got wrapped up in a lame project, you know? I think they even fake-named him Pat Somejerk. Anyway, it's hard to pity the guy anymore.

I should take this opportunity to point out that as far as greenness goes, I am an enormous hypocrite.

nodd-cast

2008-04-07T12:09:00.037-05:00

Having been regularly awed by the fine work done by friends Hey! Student and Rainbo Video for some time now, I've decided it's high time I delivered a little music post to whoever it is that reads this.

As it stands, two music podcasts have been enriching my life for the last year or so. First is Diplo's somewhat-lamely-titled Mad Decent Radio, which features the onetime-luckiest-man-in-the-world's unique mashups of everything from Baile Funk to Grime to Miami Bass. To give you a taste, I've included his 4 Day Weekend Happiness Mix here, and for those who don't have the 30 minutes to spare, a few tracks are linked below.

Wilcannia Mob - Down River
Dear Nora - Casiotone For the Painfully Alone (Hot Boyz)
Uffie - Pop The Glock (Sebastien Mix)
Sofisticated Riddim
Vybz Cartel - Rich, Rich, Rich
Busy Signal - No Good Solution
Cool Chris And Marvin - Frog Back
Cassie - Me & U
Macka - Mr. Teki Back
Gorillaz - Kids With Guns (Hot Chip Remix)

You may recognize that first song, the didgeridoo rumbler, as the one sampled in M.I.A.'s Mango Pickle Down River. As much as I love the woman, I confess that hearing the original in its unadulterated freshness leaves me wondering how much her track really improved on the first.

The second fine subscription of mine is the Stones Throw Label-cast. It has everything you've come to expect from one of the finest labels around today, from J. Dilla tributes to a soulful PBWolf Valentine's Day jamboree. Sadly, not many of these are still up on the site, but lucky for you, I saved the delightful V-Day mix for you and your loved one. Again, if you don't have the 30 minutes to spare for the mix, three of its best songs below.

Bobby Womack - How Could You Break My Heart
The Miracles - Don't Cha Love It
Marvin Gaye - I Want To Be Where You Are
Bobbi Humphrey - Blacks & Blues
Michael Jackson - Blues Away
Clear - Equal Love Opportunity
New Birth - Pretty Music
Archie Bell & The Drells - Go For What You Know
Roetation - Ain't It Funny
Alladin - Telephone Lovers
Holt Brothers - Dance With Me Tonight
Backyard Construction - I Want Your Lovin
Loves Traffic - Loves Traffic
GQ - Someday In Your Life
Stereolab - Need To Be
Can - Bring Me Coffee Or Tea
Jimi - Tenor Sirens Of Salo
Barry - Forgie Ballata

Are We Not Men??!@?

2008-04-06T16:02:00.003-05:00

CNN Sunday Morning Seems Like A Nice Place To Work

2008-04-04T03:20:00.003-05:00

REYNOLDS WOLF, CNN METEOROLOGIST: Yeah, I'm telling you, this has been a tremendous storm we've been watching out towards the west.

ANCHOR: Thank you, Reynolds.

WOLF: You bet.

ANCHOR: Reynolds, we appreciate you.

Lesson One In Becoming A Doctor: Don't Talk About It With Adults.

2008-04-04T03:07:00.006-05:00

What kind of doctor do you want to be? Just kidding! That was a rhetorical question. The answer is Dermatologist.

Cards.

2008-01-07T01:19:00.003-06:00

I went to CVS recently to purchase a birthday card for a friend, and I found a whole new section called From Me To You. Apparently the idea behind these cards is that they contain really sad, dark messages: one is called "I Miss You, But God Is Keeping You Safe," and another is simply titled "Troubled Relationship." Shockingly (and sadly), the entire two sets of Troubled Relationship cards were sold out.

The Boyz From Brazil

2008-01-06T21:46:00.003-06:00

So I was working with this guy, Peter, in my company's shipping office, and I decided to put on the audiobook of A Short History of Nearly Everything to listen to while we worked. He was happy with the choice and said, gee, Matt, I wish we could clone you so we have someone smart around after you leave! Do you know that movie, The Boys From Brazil? And I said, "Yeah, isn't that the movie where Nazi doctors try to clone Hitler?" And he said, "Yeah, like that."

The DaVinci Code

2007-11-14T13:56:00.004-06:00

So, although I have managed to avoid reading or seeing the DaVinci Code, it seems I couldn't help becoming intimately familiar with the plot and characters by osmosis.

In particular, I've heard a lot about a certain character named Silas, who is apparently an evil albino monk working for Opus Dei. My question for fans of the book is this: is Silas' evildoing a result of his own choices, or is it caused by his lack of skin coloration? This subject could make for a great Law and Order episode, I feel.

The DaVinci Code website offers this note among its disclaimers:

It is important to remember that Silas's skin color has nothing to do with his violent nature--he is driven to violence by others' cruelty... not by anything inherent in his physiology.

More schoolwork

2007-07-16T21:46:00.003-05:00

My book report on Helen Keller:

My letter to the author of The Cay (click to enlarge):

A report in which I give the solutions to all of the world's problems:

A magazine I made in fourth grade:

Paperboy

2007-05-31T16:13:00.004-05:00

So, here's the story about this. A while back, I wrote a post called I Live In Constant Fear, from the point of view of Paperboy. If you aren't familiar with him, Paperboy is a video game character who delivers newspapers on bike while trying not to crash into a number of inexplicable obstacles, such as the Grim Reaper.

The post was up for only a few days before a friend informed me that someone had already written a piece as Paperboy, for McSweeney's. Upon inspection, it appeared our articles were somewhat different: the McSweeney's piece is an apologetic open letter from Paperboy to a client, while mine is more of an Op-Ed in which Paperboy questions his very existence. Still, I was sad that my thoughts were not as original as I'd hoped, and, deflated, I took down my post in shame.

Anyway, I've since lost that particular shame. Without further ado, the article.

-------

I Live in Constant Fear
By Paperboy

My life is a nonsensical hellscape in which I must endlessly deliver newspapers to ungrateful, murderous neighbors.

Everyone I meet along my paper route is a hateful, robotic devil. I am routinely chased by rolling-pin wielding grandmothers, dogs, tornadoes, dancers, and Death himself.

Furthermore, it seems the entire universe is focused upon me in a Truman Show-esque fashion.

For example, when I took this paper route, it was announced as a front-page story in the newspaper, with my picture on the cover. Even for a small town that consists entirely of twenty houses on one side of a street, I do not understand this. Where do my thoughts come from?

Another headline on this paper was "Mysterious vandalism baffles police." Perhaps that story was referring to the person who stole a swarm of bees and trained them to chase and kill me.

Every day, after I have finished delivering these godforsaken newspapers, I am forced to cross a road with speeding race cars, followed by an obstacle course of death walls and shifting ramps. If I somehow manage to survive, I am greeted by three strangers on a bandstand.

I want more than anything to stop pedaling my bike. I have tried to end my life by intentionally crashing into the dog, but I merely black out and find myself right back on my route.

One of my few goals has been to successfully ride over a storm drain without crashing. Only time will tell if I can ever accomplish this seemingly simple task.

I pray that one day I will be released from this endless cycle of terror.

Those hilarious pollsters

2007-05-18T01:22:00.000-05:00

From an article on the new phenomenon of constant political polling.

''There is like a poll every day: I've never seen anything like it,'' said Mark Penn, chief strategist for the Clinton campaign. ''I joke about it: 'We have four polls today!''

Untitled

2007-01-13T21:04:00.002-06:00

I was downstairs the other day digging through some old schoolwork and unearthed my sixth grade civil war journal, written from the perspective of belligerent former slave Moses Johnson. It is almost completely ahistorical, and yes, slightly racist, unintentionally. I was twelve.

--------------------

September 22, 1862

Dear Journal,

Today, I’m free!! That nice Mr. Lincoln made a piece of paper that somehow set me free! I can’t believe it! Well, Imma return the favor – I’m joinin’ the army. Uh oh – I gotta get off the train now or I will miss my stop to the army place.

Sincerely,
Moses Johnson

--------------------

September 23, 1862

We are at a small camp in southern Kansas. It is full to the brim! My regimint got together with some others and we all sharin’ the camp. Already because of the lack of good weapons we have lost three people. We have small sledgehammers and regular hammers.

Sincerely,
Moses Johnson

--------------------

April 6, 1863

We are now in Richmond, Virginia. Over the time, two people died of starvation, four of dehydration, and one committed suicide. I wanted to lay down and die also, but I thought of all innocent people and so forth. Also, we got a new Colonel and his name is Hooker. He has given every soldier a prostitute.

Sincerely,
Moses Johnson

--------------------

May 1, 1863

We are going to Chancellorsville today to fight! We move out in four hours. I love to attack and fight. This is the most important day of my life!

Sincerely,
Moses Johnson

--------------------

May 2, 1863

I got shot, right in the arm after killing twenty-three people. I will not be able to fight for months.

Sincerely,
Moses Johnson

--------------------

May 5, 1864

I found another fight! It is a big fight. The place is called Cold Harbor. It is far and the hike will be tough, because I am old now. I have changed a lot after two years of fighting - I have learned what it takes to be a fighter, a killer and a supervisor. If I die at Cold Harbor, I pray they find you, journal. Maybe they’ll learn how it felt to be a black man. When I fight, I will have a rifle in one hand and the Lord’s good book in the other. I know the Lord be watchin’ over me.

Sincerely,
Moses Johnson

--------------------

Afterword: Moses didn’t live through the battle of Cold Harbor. It was one of General Grant’s biggest mistakes, and over 6,000 unioners died in one hour there. In 1983, scientists historians and plain people found their remains, along with guns, rifles and bibles, etc. But the thing that they found that told them the most about the war was this diary from Moses. It was found in his hand bones, next to a bible.

2006-11-24T03:39:00.001-06:00

To celebrate the upcoming holiday season, here is a wreath on Morrissey's waist.

I Love My Synagogue

2006-10-22T00:41:00.000-05:00

A Rain Story

2006-10-21T10:44:00.000-05:00

This is a creative writing assignment my friend wrote when he was in fifth grade from the point of view of a rain drop. It reminds me of an old Onion article by a smokestack called I'm A Cloud Factory!

Hi. My name is rainy. I am a rain drop. One day I woke up and found myself in a cactus! I don't know how I got here, but I am here. So, I was in that cactus for at least a month, I think, living peacefully. But then all of a sudden I came out through the stomata and up I went in the air!

I found myself evaporating and a little while later I became a raindrop again in a cloud. While I was up in the cloud, a lot of other raindrops were forming too. One day, I met a raindrop named Leet, short for Fleet. We talked for a couple of days and got to be friends. But about a week later, when we were having a conversation, all of us raindrops suddently plummeted towards Earth!!! I landed in the Pacific Ocean and couldn't find Leet. So I vowed that one day I would find him again.

I probably stayed in the ocean for at least two years before I finally washed up on into the shores of Hawaii into some kind of tropical plant. This new kind of plant was very different from the cactus. While I stayed in there, I wondered how long I would live. Would I live forever, never being happy and always sad? I hoped not. Then again, soon enough, I rose out through the stomata and evaporated until I got to a much larger cloud than the first one I was in. When I arrived in the cloud, I was surprised to see the cloud was almost full. We were about to rain.

Sure enough, I landed right in a noisy stream in California. But right then, ahead, I saw a waterfall!!!! I was about to go over!!! As I went over the side, I evaporated again into a cloud very similar to the first one I was in. Meanwhille, my life was getting boring. No matter what I did, the same things happened over and over again. But while I was thinking about it, right then, I fell and landed on a mountain! I was surprised because I had never seen a mountain before.

But I had little time to look around, for I quickly soaked into the ground, into a tree! I almost immediately got stored into a piece of orange. I stayed there for at least a couple of months and then, one day, I was eaten by a strange animal. I think the humans called it a pig. Well anyway, a month later, a human shot the pig and I was trapped in the stomach!! Well, believe it or not, I went to sleep and woke up in a stream. I don't know how I got there, but I remember part of it. Somehow, a human ended up using me for brushing their teeth. Next, I probably went down a drainpipe next, and I landed in a stream.

The stream I landed in was very peaceful and quiet, At times it hardly seemed to move at all. I was beginning to think I might want to kill myself, even though I thought it wasn't physically possibly to actually kill a raindrop. But then, one day, I woke up to find Leet next to me!!!!!! I was so overjoyed!!!! And from that day on, Leet and I formed one raindrop and we never lost each other again. And we were both happy.

My journey up to that point probably lasted 5-10 years, for I never paid much attention to time. I would live for many thousands of years after that. There was no telling what I could do. But finally, I was happy.

The Solution = Let It Be

2006-10-15T17:46:00.004-05:00

Four quick things.

1) First, a long overdue encomium for a man I admire, Mr. Crispin Hellion Glover.

Here is the backstory of how I came to know him. So, my good friend Dan ran a radio show on WNUR in the early hours of the morning known as the Suckfest.

(The story behind Suckfest being called Suckfest is that the elitist rock DJs who hosted the show right before it used to pass the microphone to Dan by saying Well Now It's Time For The Indie Rock Suckfest. The Suckfesters, being good-humored folks, kept the name.)

So one day Dan told me that while digging in the crates for Suckfest, he happened upon a record of a song called Clowny Clown Clown by Crispin Glover, none other than the actor who played Marty McFly's father in Back to the Future.

When I later found the record in the stacks, I heard a sonic tidal wave: a synth paved the way for some outlandish rhymes on top of a jerking, bulky circus organ. Intrigued, I delved deeper into the world of Mr. Glover.

I learned that he was an acclaimed actor who had fallen a bit out of favor with the mainstream Hollywood community. For one, he refused to appear in the sequels to Back to the Future, and when they used old footage of him without permission, he sued Steven Spielberg and Robert Zemeckis and won. (Glover still dislikes Spielberg to this day, and recently wrote a diatribe against him composed entirely of questions).

I then found out that while promoting his movie The River's Edge, Mr. Glover decided to go on the David Letterman show on acid wearing a wig and platform shoes, only to challenge Letterman to an arm-wrestling match and attempt to kick him in the face.

Since that interview, he has kept his life and career alive and well.

He has written books and made films without compromising.

He is a regular guest at the Playboy Mansion.

He was in Charlie's Angels, and the upcoming big-budget film version of Beowulf will star Mr. Glover as Grendel the beast - demonstrating a reconciliation between him and Zemeckis, its director.

Also, you may remember him from A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius as the only celebrity who agreed, nay jumped at the chance to dupe the public into thinking he had died, by way of a fake article in Dave Eggers' Might Magazine.

And this is the reason I love the man: he is a proud eccentric, and a true artist.

2) Below is an interesting Hollywood correspondence between Judd Apatow, of Freaks and Geeks and 40 Year Old Virgin fame, and the guy that created That 70s Show. The guy from That 70s Show wishes cancer upon Apatow for supposedly stealing one of his ideas.

http://www.harpers.org/DontHaveACowMan.html

3) This American Life. If you don't know it, it's a great show that has been around for 10 years or so on NPR, and it is now available through the internet. Turn on tune in drop out.

4) The Art of Noise.

Untitled

2006-07-27T16:43:00.001-05:00

From my daily "how to" email. Today's was how to escape a bear.

Do not attempt to play dead if a bear enters your camp. Such a bear is looking for food and may perceive you as a meal. Fight the bear in this case.

Untitled

2006-07-06T00:07:00.001-05:00

During an Orgo break, I was watching Ripley's Believe it Or Not, and one episode featured a dog that could do math. It's owner would ask it what the square root of nine is and it would bark three times.

His wife said, "That old dog knows more square roots than I do! Really: I can't fucking do math. You know what? Fuck you."

But I was most excited to see the dog because I finally, finally felt that my choice to major in psych was paying dividends. Sophomore year we read about this horse named Clever Hans who was popular at the turn of the century because everyone thought he could do math. His trainer would ask him a math question and Hans would stomp his foot a certain number of times to indicate the answer. His cleverness was later debunked by a psychologist who found out his trainer was just giving him cues, intentionally or not, that signaled the answer - like picking his head up to address a crowd when Hans hit the right number, so Hans knew to stop stomping.

This dog trainer did the same thing. The Ripley's crew was like, We are going to prove beyond doubt that the dog is a genius, by having A STRANGER ask the question, while the trainer stands directly in front of the dog and covers his face with gloved hands, which he may remove when the dog reaches the right number.

When I pointed this out to my friend who was watching with me, I think he got a little upset at the shattering of the myth, and also by my obnoxious in-your-face mythbustin' tone, and he said, "You just don't know, do you: that dog could have stopped counting by himself" and walked away.

Untitled

2006-07-06T00:06:00.000-05:00

Uri Geller was a popular 70s magician who claimed to be able to bend spoons with his mind. He also said he had to touch the spoons to facilitate the magic. People said, "This man is not a fraud because mind bending likely requires hands to bring about but not participate in the bending process."

In 2000, he sued for 100 million dollars when he found out there was Pokemon named Kadabra who is psychic and carries around a spoon.

Wikipedia says:

Although Geller's public performances have become less frequent, he returned to the limelight after the 2000 Sydney Olympic Games, when he claimed that he had used his telekinesis whilst watching the games on television to cause the mechanical fault during the opening ceremony to promote his views of global nuclear disarmament.

Untitled

2006-06-25T20:12:00.001-05:00

I had three job interviews this week.

One interviewer asked me how companies made money, and after mumbling a while I said, In minus out, yeah? Then he gave me a laptop with an Excel spreadsheet full of random numbers and said, "You have twenty minutes."

Anyway, I couldn't move the mouse for the first 17 minutes, and when it just started to work, I knew I had almost no time left. So I started adding numbers at random, hoping they would come in and tell me all about how the mouse was rigged to see how I react under pressure - which wouldn't have been good anyway, but I would have preferred to fail that way. So he comes in, looks at my work, and says, "I don't get it. Did you only add these? What have you been doing for 20 minutes?" And we just stared at each other for a while.

The two best looking women of all time?

2006-06-15T18:57:00.001-05:00

Number one, hands down: Ingrid Bergman. No one else comes close to her level of hurts-to-look-at. She and Roberto Rossellini began their relationship when she sent him this letter:

Dear Mr. Rossellini,
I saw your films Open City and Paisan, and enjoyed them very much. If you need a Swedish actress who speaks English very well, who has not forgotten her German, who is not very understandable in French, and who in Italian knows only "ti amo," I am ready to come and make a film with you.

And after Rosellini picked up the pieces of his exploded head, he made movies with her.

Number two: Olivia Hussey, of the Zeffirelli Romeo and Juliet. When I saw this in eighth grade, I knew that no one would ever look better, ever, except Ingrid Bergman.

Honorable mention goes to Grace Kelly in Rear Window.

World Cup Fever

2006-06-12T18:08:00.001-05:00

We got up nice and early today to get to Ginger's Ale House to see the U.S. get killed 3-0 by the Czech Republic. On the plus side, they had one dollar sliders. The whole time, I was thinking how terrible it must be to be a defender. No credit for success, all the blame for failure. You have to be out partying with the famous guys just to get women to believe you play for the team: this is no way to live.

Let me add that Diego Maradona was in the audience at an Argentina game, and someone said something to the effect of, "That Maradona used to be quite a soccer player," to which someone else just had to respond with, "But but but, the cheating, the cocaine, etc." I just want to say to the respondent: let it go. Why do you see only the speck of sawdust in your bro Maradona's eye and not the beam of wood in your own?* I'd get that checked out!!

*This will be the last time I quote the New Testament in my life.

Nixon

2006-06-10T15:23:00.001-05:00

So I'm done with finals and I'll be graduating in a week.

In other news, I watched the movie Nixon last night. It seems Cubans ran the country for approximately 20 years.

One of the best parts was the "Checkers speech," where Nixon went on tv to defend himself against charges of financial misdeeds with some world class speechifying. Really: they show it in rhetoric classes.

[We don't have] very much. But Pat and I have the satisfaction that every dime that we've got is honestly ours. I should say this, that Pat doesn't have a mink coat. But she does have a respectable Republican cloth coat, and I always tell her she'd look good in anything.

The tagline from Mr. Smith Goes to Washington

2006-06-10T15:21:00.001-05:00

Stirring - In the seeing! Precious - In the remembering!

Untitled

2006-06-06T21:28:00.003-05:00

There is this guy whose name always pops up in the Times every time they need a quote on box office results. His name is Paul Degarabedian, and everything he says is a mixture of obvious fact, horrible punnery and bizarre nonsense.

Some examples:

On the success of The Break-Up and An Inconvenient Truth: ''It's breakups and global warming that I think really are interesting people now.''

On Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End: "These numbers tell us that people love to see these Pirates movies."

On The Simpsons Movie: "Homer's Odyssey paid off!"

For a while, I thought I was the only person to notice these shenanigans, but then a friend informed me that New York Magazine has an ongoing column called Paul Dergarabedian Must Be Stopped.

Holy moly

2006-05-22T11:59:00.001-05:00

I was enjoying the last vestiges of my senior year last night by playing some X-Men Legends, only to learn that there is an X-Men villain literally named Holocaust. I could not believe my eyes, and when I went to verify it on Wikipedia, sure enough, there it was on the disambiguation page:

The Holocaust.
Holocaust (comics)

The page also noted that there is a rapper named Holocaust:

Holocaust, a former member of the Black Knights, abandoned the potentially offensive name after his departure from the group, and became Warcloud. Birth name Anthony Creston Brown, also known as Dr. Killgrave, Alcatraz, Tony Holocaustal, Frank Holocaustal and Mr. Appleby.

I wonder what triggered the switch from Tony to Frank Holocaustal.

Untitled

2006-05-17T16:47:00.001-05:00

I love when Chem grad students wear t-shirts with the chemical structure of alcohol or THC on them. I work hard but I play hard!!

A Star Is Made?

2006-05-08T21:02:00.003-05:00

The old nature vs. nurture debate about talent was rehashed today in the The Times' number one emailed article, written by the guys behind Freakonomics. This is the stupidest controversy in history.

"[Not] all people have equal potential. Michael Jordan, even if he hadn't spent countless hours in the gym, would still have been a better basketball player than most of us. But without those hours in the gym, he would never have become the player he was."

Whoa guys, those are some pretty crazy Freakonomics. This just proves that research psychology (note: not psychotherapy) is complete and utter bullplop. It's all anecdotal! Someone actually tested kids for thousands of hours just to conclude that learning skills is part nature and part nurture. The article goes on...

"Ericsson's conclusions, if accurate, would seem to have broad applications. Students should be taught to follow their interests earlier in their schooling, the better to build up their skills and acquire meaningful feedback. Senior citizens should be encouraged to acquire new skills, especially those thought to require "talents" they previously believed they didn't possess."

Yeah, like we are saying now, hey kids, please don't learn that yet. If you do, your innate talent won't have time to manifest itself. You had better wait until it's too late to practice. Or conversely: hey old people, please don't try to learn, it's too late.

Well, okay, maybe we do say that to the elderly--but we don’t say it because we think those things require innate talent, we say it because we know they shouldn’t waste their precious time acquiring skills.

...

2006-05-08T01:26:00.000-05:00

Pictured above is Mr. Cesar Millan, a Mexican-American dog behaviorist known for his TV show, The Dog Whisperer. I like the photo because the dog has lost the will to live.

NYT: You're not actually a psychologist, are you?

Millan: No. Not by a school. There is no college that teaches you how to control a pack of dogs.

Sword of Damocles

2006-05-07T13:22:00.001-05:00

Every other time I said my job search had hit rock bottom, I was lying. My Monster automated job seeker just turned up the following:

Imagine working for a company where a giraffe talks and children know you by name! If you take fun seriously, then Toys "R" Us, Inc. is the place for you! We are a $13 billion dollar privately-held company with approximately 1,500 stores worldwide.

We are currently looking for an experienced Bike Assembler to join our Flatbush, Brooklyn NY team.

I thought this was the lowest job the seeker could have possibly turned up, but then I found a posting for Part Time Bike Assembler.

One of the main duties of this job is loss prevention, because the object of theft is also the means of escape.

Unfortunately, I am disqualified for the position because I take serious fun-ly*.

*This joke was composed by Ryan Vogt.

Thisit.

2006-05-07T13:02:00.001-05:00

Following the success of the Apple Students Facebook group, it seems the new hot thing for companies is to get students to proudly join their online clubs. The newest one is called THISIT ('This Is It') @ Macy*s, and whoever designed it must hold our generation in high esteem.

*Road trippin'? Spring breakin'? Get out of dodge with this month's ten must-haves.
*Lovin' the layered look? Diggin' the detailed back-pocket jeans? Tell us how you rock spring's hottest styles.
*Clownin'? Don't trip, boyee!

Okay, the last one is fake. But really, I can't believe Macy's found out that all the cool kids talk by droppin' their g's.

Lastly, wonderfully, some guy decided to post a comment to the message board, I can only assume to defend Macy's in anticipation of someone criticizing the group.

Cole Ramus writes: All you entitlement ******s out there have lost touch with reality. Be greatful we live in a capitalist society. We live in a society that advocates Free trade and entreuporship rather then a entitlement collective state. Quite bitching and move to France where you get everything you need taken care of by the government. DOWN WITH SOCIALISM.

Before I go: I don't want this blog to turn too "sardonic," by which I mean some fake sentiment that derives from idea that no one should ever say anything earnestly or use exclamation points unironically. Even if it's usually justified to make fun of the earnest ones, I hate to sound so predictably cynical. Anyway, this Macy's group was fairly out of hand and I couldn't resist.

?

2006-05-04T22:33:00.001-05:00

This is the cartoon from today's Daily Northwestern. I promise, if someone can provide a remotely plausible explanation of the political commentary contained here, I will pay them five dollars.

Faith plus one.

2006-05-04T03:18:00.001-05:00

Pictured above: Members of Creed in various degrees of squint.

Hot off the presses of ChristianMusicToday.com...

CMT: On Creed's website, you had answered an FAQ in part by writing, "Who are we to say that being a Christian is the only way to heaven?"

Scott Stapp: Well, I can honestly tell you, I didn't write that.

CMT: But your name was on it.

Stapp: I didn't write that. I would never answer a question that way. That sounds like something the owner of my record company would say.

[Stapp, clearly perturbed at this revelation, says something to his manager, then addresses CMT again.] I would never say that, dude, because that's not what I believe. We'll be sure to make a note of that. That stuff happens all the time, because my label, you know, they're about making money. They don't want to disenfranchise people. Creed wasn't a Christian band, but I would never insinuate or say anything that would make that kind of a statement.

I'm glad you told me about that.

CMT: So, where do you stand in regards to that statement?

Stapp: Oh, I'm a Christian.

CMT: So, are you now a "Christian artist," or an artist who happens to be a Christian?

Stapp: I'm an artist who's a Christian, because I don't write music to be evangelical. Now, if that happens, it happens. My dad's a dentist, and he's a Christian. Now, does he put in Christian fillings? No, that's just part of his three-dimensional life.

Workedy Work

2006-04-30T23:17:00.001-05:00

I have to write a response paper about Jessica Cutler tonight. She was a congressional staffer who was sleeping with lots of Washingtonians, went public via blog and book, and is now being sued in a privacy tort by one of the guys she slept with. It must be difficult deciding whether you want to stay infamous as the man who liked being spanked, or become the man who sued because he was embarrased about everyone knowing he was the man who liked being spanked. My paper is titled, "Wait, what the f is a blog? Holy Shit."

Untitled

2006-04-30T00:11:00.001-05:00

Is there a difference between jealousy and envy? Of course there is! Why would there be two words.

I can't decide which more accurately describes my heart: my esteemed friend Thomas told me earlier today that Andrew W.K. would be playing his spring fling at Wesleyan. Now you say: Matthew please, you just saw Stephen Malkmus - would you rather have had AWK? To this I say, talk to my good friend Sophie re: her choice.

Jeter

2006-04-14T11:31:00.001-05:00

So there's an article on the front page of the online Times about this guy who reached over the fence to grab a ball hit by Derek Jeter. The hit was counted as a home run and helped the Yankees win the world series, ten years ago.

First of all, I don't know why this story is on the front page, or why it is a story at all. But that's not what is strange. What's strange is Derek Jeter.

When the Times asked Jeter about the guy, he said, "It's good that he is doing something now on his own and he has his own memories."

Drrream.

2006-03-31T15:47:00.000-06:00

V

2006-03-26T17:07:00.005-06:00

I just saw V For Vendetta with my mom. It's a great adaptation of a graphic novel starring Natalie Portman and written (uncredited) by Alan Moore, a hobo genius who objects to any Hollywood hijacking of his work.

My good friend Eli recommended his other incredible book, Watchmen, to me senior year of high school and I ended up staying up all night reading it. And if my word isn't good enough: it made Time Magazine's 2005 list of the 100 best English-language novels since 1923. Odd that they chose to start the list from 1923, no? Anyway, it's amazing.

Also, I saw my parents' old What Shall We Name The Baby book, and after passing Matthew - highest gift of God - I happened upon Natalie, whose name means "Christmas child." If I ever have the good fortune to meet Ms. Portman, I will be sure to mention the fact that we both have gentile names before she maces me.

Mr. Blue Sky

2006-03-19T16:37:00.002-06:00

The Traveling Wilburys were one of rock's few supergroups: George Harrison, Bob Dylan, Roy Orbison, and Tom Petty. One of the great mysteries of the universe is how Jeff Lynne, lead singer of Electric Light Orchestra -- pictured second from left -- ever managed to talk his way into this band.

ELO was just a regular concert group that took everyday things like Lights and Orchestra and combined them in a new way. While they did turn out some worthy songs, one disco hit should not a Wilbury make. I'd like to think he eventually came to know his place in the Wilburys, and life.

Jeff Lynne: This band could really use more orchestra, and lights.
Bob Dylan: Jeff, shut your god-damned mouth.
Roy Orbison: Now everybody just take a break.

Gone Fission!

2006-03-16T15:20:00.001-06:00

Second quarter Chemistry is a thing of the past, as of one hour ago. I dedicate my performance on the final to World B. Free.

Fig Newtons!

2006-03-14T15:39:00.001-06:00

After 5 days of study, I have conquered the Physics final. But in a gentle way.

Dulcius ex asperis, I guess. Translation: I love Mike Tyson.

Tired.

2006-03-12T03:50:00.001-06:00

With all this Physics I am studying, I guess you could call me Christopher Coulombus!

P.S.

2006-03-09T14:13:00.001-06:00

Another reason why Mike Tyson is great is his Nintendo game, Mike Tyson's Punch-Out. The game consisted of a small white boxer fighting all kinds of culturally stereotyped boxers.

The belligerent German stereotype was named Von Kaiser. He would say things like, "Surrender! Or I will conquer you!" and "I was a boxing teacher...at the military academy!" I like the fact that "at the military academy" is a punchline.

The Russian lush was Soda Popinski. While this name may seem harmless, the name he had in the arcade game was Vodka Drunkenski. He would say, "Would you like some punch to drink? Ha, ha, ha!" Incidentally, Soda has come close to winning ASG President of Northwestern a number of times as a write-in candidate.

Wipe your feet really good on the rhythm rug

2006-03-04T15:52:00.003-06:00

Last night, some compatriots and I ventured into Chicago to see the wonderful Mr. Matthew Dear play at Smartbar. His beats caused a hazard to the backside. All in all, the night was a great success.

Below, I share the Metro photobooth with Justin Two-Step Levine.

Strictly business

2006-02-25T22:38:00.001-06:00

So I was listening to EPMD's 1988 debut, Strictly Business. On the title track, Parrish Smith raps:

Beam me up Scotty, I control your body
I'm as deadly as AIDS, when it's time to rock a party

I love this line. You know how my friend died of AIDS? That's how good I am at rapping.